So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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