I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
