I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You took a bar mat shot.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
