$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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