I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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