My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
