have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
