ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
