My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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