There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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