i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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