Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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