My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
