I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
