Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
