I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
