dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
