Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
