why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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