I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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