Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize