The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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