I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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