yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
time to smoke my breakfast
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I could fuck to npr.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
