The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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