he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
