While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
