My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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