i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
