Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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