HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
