well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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