The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
