So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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