apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
