Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
