So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
