Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize