i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize