You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
