True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
