They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
