She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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