Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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