I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Randomize
