well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
