you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
