Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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