I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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