and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
