remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
