i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just got carded by a ten year old.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
