tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
