You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize