It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
