I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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