my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
