How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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