On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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